The difference between elevator use and abuse is two letters and one floor

This is something the jack-asses on the sixth floor of my building would do well to keep in mind. Seriously, how effing hard is it to walk DOWN one flight of stairs? I’m pretty sure babies do it, and cats. And cats (and babies) have way smaller legs than all the asshole adult human non-walkers on the sixth floor.

When I get in that elevator, I am in a hurry to get to the ground floor on my way to the-hell-out-of-here, so it is most def. NOT appreciated when some clown stops me mid-ride to go down 10 feet. Seriously. WALK. It’s a grand thing, and we’ve been doing it for thousands of years. That’s why our infrapubic angles are so small and childbirth so difficult (bi-pedalism has its trade offs, whereas an anthropology minor is just useless).

I bet if you put an australopithecine on the sixth floor and told it to get to the fifth floor, it would take the goddamn stairs. And it had a brain about 1/3 the size of ours. It would also probably NOT read The Express and NOT take the orange line anywhere, because it, as what is essentially a giant upright ape, probably smelled better naturally than the perpetual burning-brake redolence of the effing metro.

Comments

Jim said…
Not that it does you any good, but I *always* take the stairs down the two floors from my office to the lobby. Partly, I would just feel lazy taking the elevator, and partly, taking the stairs allows me to avoid getting trapped with any co-workers, which is absolutely the worst type of awkward social run-in. "Hey let's make pointless small talk while we're locked in this box made of mirrors for the next 14 seconds!" "Gee, can we?!" "No, fuck you, I'll take the stairs."
February 25, 2008 at 9:36 PM
Jackie said…
Jim, you're my hero. Even better would be, "No, fuck YOU, YOU take the stairs," (says you to your coworker) and taking the elevator by yourself, commando style.

Or not. Whatever.
February 27, 2008 at 12:24 PM
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