nine to five
This is an homage to my work place (DMT) created in the midst of a desperately needed mental health break from the Nonsense that is my full-time job. And all jokes aside, my office really has been running the dishwasher on “rinse” for sodding months. Delicious.
If you Google DMT, you get the other DMT, Dimethyltryptamine, a naturally occurring and potent psychedelic drug. My DMT, by contast, is not naturally-occuring and is more impotent than psychedulic. It also, interstingly, does not make it to Google’s first page of hits, unlike the following headings: making DMT, how to get DMT, saliva (my personal favorite), and DMT trips. My workplace helps social entrepreneurs implement social solutions.
(If you know the term and/or regularly use the term “social entrepreneur,” go hang yourself).
So, without further ado:
DMT DC Perpetuates Plague with Bad Dishwasher Interpretation
“This explains why my ‘Don’t Bother Me, I’m Crabby’ mug always has crap in it,” Associate Analyst and dish-user Mary Steinberg glumly griped upon hearing the news that the Ballston office’s dishwasher had been running on “Hold and Rinse” for an undisclosed amount of time.
“I always had to shake wet gunk from the bottom of my coffee cup. Either that, or put it back in the cabinet for some other, less attentive schmoe to use,” said one anonymous consultant.
“I should have been suspicious when my mug was always encrusted with hot cocoa remains and we haven’t had any hot cocoa for months…Hind-sight is always twenty-twenty,” quipped one employee wisely.
This latest update on the dish-washing capacity front only adds injury to the glaring reality that everyone in the office has been passing around a severe flu-like illness. “This just proves that the martyr-syndrome [coming to work when physically sick] is a complete non-issue when it comes to the spread of communicable disease. We can safely say this latest illness being passed around like a hot potato is the result of a lack of training in dishwasher management. We will safely table the idea of professional development in dishwasher training until next year, and in the interim, expect people to come to work while looking like a Day Quil ad,” said senior management.
To add insult to stupidity, it appears that while the dishwasher, despite its name, had not been washing dishes for months, there remained in the kitchen a fossil from the by-gone era of BD (Before Dishwasher): a dish scrub-brush.
Dish scrub-brushes were invented by Theodore Roosevelt, former president of the United States, darer of mighty things, and general bad-ass, a fact which explains why one can be found in DMT’s kitchen. It is rumored that the brush was intended to wash a dish once one had finished using it for libations or meals. The advantage of the brush over another similar artifact, the dish sponge, is that the former has a long handle, allowing the washer to safely think that they aren’t doing anything too beneath them by protecting them from suds, water, and other forms of “ew.”
“Well, if they wanted us to use it [the scrub-brush], they should have been more explicit about what to do with it. Make a model, maybe? I’m too busy thinking of good ideas for others to carry out and filling out my annual review forms to do my own dishes like a decent human being,” snapped one employee.
The credit of the dishwasher programming discovery goes to D(t)DW. At the time, employees were annoyed by D(t)DW’s asking what the symbols over the dishwasher meant, answering his query with an irritated, “I dunno, I just turn it on,” scarcely looking up form the natural glow of the computer screen.
It was only after D(t)DW returned to say that the dishwasher may as well be called a dish-rinser that everyone tore their eyes from their cubicles and laughed at the sudden explanation for their trashcans overflowing with tissues and their mugs coated with stank.
“Oh, how can you stay mad at something so hilarious?” they chuckled.
How indeed.
If you Google DMT, you get the other DMT, Dimethyltryptamine, a naturally occurring and potent psychedelic drug. My DMT, by contast, is not naturally-occuring and is more impotent than psychedulic. It also, interstingly, does not make it to Google’s first page of hits, unlike the following headings: making DMT, how to get DMT, saliva (my personal favorite), and DMT trips. My workplace helps social entrepreneurs implement social solutions.
(If you know the term and/or regularly use the term “social entrepreneur,” go hang yourself).
So, without further ado:
DMT DC Perpetuates Plague with Bad Dishwasher Interpretation
“This explains why my ‘Don’t Bother Me, I’m Crabby’ mug always has crap in it,” Associate Analyst and dish-user Mary Steinberg glumly griped upon hearing the news that the Ballston office’s dishwasher had been running on “Hold and Rinse” for an undisclosed amount of time.
“I always had to shake wet gunk from the bottom of my coffee cup. Either that, or put it back in the cabinet for some other, less attentive schmoe to use,” said one anonymous consultant.
“I should have been suspicious when my mug was always encrusted with hot cocoa remains and we haven’t had any hot cocoa for months…Hind-sight is always twenty-twenty,” quipped one employee wisely.
This latest update on the dish-washing capacity front only adds injury to the glaring reality that everyone in the office has been passing around a severe flu-like illness. “This just proves that the martyr-syndrome [coming to work when physically sick] is a complete non-issue when it comes to the spread of communicable disease. We can safely say this latest illness being passed around like a hot potato is the result of a lack of training in dishwasher management. We will safely table the idea of professional development in dishwasher training until next year, and in the interim, expect people to come to work while looking like a Day Quil ad,” said senior management.
To add insult to stupidity, it appears that while the dishwasher, despite its name, had not been washing dishes for months, there remained in the kitchen a fossil from the by-gone era of BD (Before Dishwasher): a dish scrub-brush.
Dish scrub-brushes were invented by Theodore Roosevelt, former president of the United States, darer of mighty things, and general bad-ass, a fact which explains why one can be found in DMT’s kitchen. It is rumored that the brush was intended to wash a dish once one had finished using it for libations or meals. The advantage of the brush over another similar artifact, the dish sponge, is that the former has a long handle, allowing the washer to safely think that they aren’t doing anything too beneath them by protecting them from suds, water, and other forms of “ew.”
“Well, if they wanted us to use it [the scrub-brush], they should have been more explicit about what to do with it. Make a model, maybe? I’m too busy thinking of good ideas for others to carry out and filling out my annual review forms to do my own dishes like a decent human being,” snapped one employee.
The credit of the dishwasher programming discovery goes to D(t)DW. At the time, employees were annoyed by D(t)DW’s asking what the symbols over the dishwasher meant, answering his query with an irritated, “I dunno, I just turn it on,” scarcely looking up form the natural glow of the computer screen.
It was only after D(t)DW returned to say that the dishwasher may as well be called a dish-rinser that everyone tore their eyes from their cubicles and laughed at the sudden explanation for their trashcans overflowing with tissues and their mugs coated with stank.
“Oh, how can you stay mad at something so hilarious?” they chuckled.
How indeed.
Comments
So, I'm thinking that a new post exclusively on "DMT trips" should be implemented into the procedural plan for the outcome of the blog structure.
I am so excessively creeped out by the thought of how many people in the office I swapped saliva with after using a rinsed out friggin mug.