Economy Watch (Or, an Exercise in Parentheses)

In light of recent news that our super great Government is now looking to give the super great US auto-industry $25 billion of the $700 billion bailout (imagine: 700 billion frosties), I can’t help but wonder: WTF (What the f*ck)? I thought the money (my money, your money) was meant to stabilize the US financial system, not our crappy auto industry. I dig that a lot of people are employed making (bad) US vehicles and they’d “lose their jobs” (become unemployed), but come on. This is a clear case of “been there, done that” (in Latin: shouldus knowest betterest by nowest) which resulted in little to no innovation on the bailoutees’ part (read: shitty cars or big cars or ugly cars or the movie Transformers, basically a really long, really bad GM commercial that even Optimus Prime couldn’t save).

I owned a GM vehicle in college, and frankly, I’m thinking Nancy Pelosi should be lobbying the Bush administration to give me $25 billion as pay-back for my car breaking down all the goddamned time. Hell, I’ll settle for $25. That’d cover groceries for a week if I eat a lot of pasta (Times are tough, Nanc). The only thing reliable about that vehicle was that it’d need a big repair (I’m talking 1,000 frosties or so) during exams. (It’s true. Ask my old roommates).

I’m currently taking a macroenomics class, so I am now an expert on the holy trinity of economics—production, labor, and survival of the fittest (definitely this last one). To me, this is a clear-cut case of the slippery slope proving slippery (like, lubricated slippery).

I can only ask myself: who will we bail out next? Possibilities:

Newspapers. They have been doing badly for awhile, and if we don’t, they might resort to selling special election editions for $9.95 to stay afloat instead of writing better articles.

The giant cricket thing I just killed in the bathroom. It’s dead, so we may as well throw money at it.

John Maynard Keynes. See above. Also, this could make him appreciate just how right he was, albeit posthumously.

The Laser Tag Industry. If this goes under, what will really weird 13-year-old boys do with their (parents’) dispensable income? Save?

Shia LeBeouf. With a name like that, he’s just asking to be bailed out of something.

Metro. Because partial government ownership of this travesty is really the only way I can think to make it worse than it already is.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They haven’t had any baby pictures to sell in like a month.

Some bloke. Anyone. Doesn’t matter who. It’d just be best if he was not innovative, not run well, and had a history of being bailed out with nothing (really) to show for it.

Nancy Pelosi. Because THEN, she’d be the first woman Speaker of the House to be bailed out by the US Government while being the first woman Speaker of the House. How could posterity have anything but Good Things to say if such an event transpired?

My mother. I can’t think of a more deserving citizen to receive all of our money than my mother. She’d probably buy every tax-paying citizen something to thank them (though it would be the wrong size), and then make us all say the rosary.

W. Let’s face it, after his latest job performance, who will want to hire him? We clearly need to give this man some money to make his post-January 20 ends meet.