Load of Bollix

subtitled: Scurvy ravioli beer a bag of Pepperidge Farm goldfish (yea. you heard me. a whole goddamned bag) 2 granola bars a banana muffin coffee a women's one-a-day multivitamin (this cancels out all of the above)

The following is an actual email from my mother regarding the Mass times of the nearest Catholic Church in Old Town Alexandria (so she can attend Mass in Old Town in addition to Dale City). It is quintessential Mom. I love it. Hi Mary, 10 am looks good but we aLWAYS HAVE TO STAND UP IN THAT CHURCH. dO YOU KNOW THE NAME OF THE OTHER CHURCH? i HIT THE CAP LOCK BY MISTAKE i LOVE YOU BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND TO JIM LOVE MOM

But in theory, I would like to become a fan of the following on Facebook: · Chickpeas · The US Constitution · Silence · In the following order with 1 being the least valued and 4 being the most valued: 1. Peanut butter 2. Reese's Peanut butter cups 3. Reese's Peanut butter eggs 4. Reese's Peanut butter Christmas trees · NFL referees' penalty hand signals · Lunch breaks · Unseasonable weather · Christmas music · Claiming everything as a right under the US Constitution.

When the best our fine commonwealth can produce is a misogynist who went to Liberty and a man who sounds like Glen Quagmire, all we can do is write in. So who am I writing in? Jon Gosselin: Someone throw this guy a bone. The man has more children than some states have electoral votes and must now rely on his termagant ex-wife to exploit them on TV all by herself. But do I really want my governor to wear so much Ed Hardy? Suleiman the Magnificent: This dude has initiative. The only con I think of is that his conquests were checked at the Siege of Vienna in 1529. Oh, and he’s dead. Oprah: Because being the governor of VA is all that’s stopping her from world domination. Jennifer Aniston: She’s always in the news for being divorced from Brad Pitt and being a painfully mediocre actress. At least this way her being in the news would be justified. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: He’d totally kick the shit out of our recession. Your Mom: Because it’s still a funny response, even though I’m now clo

The following is a near verbatim excerpt of a phone call that just took place: Mom: I love the google. Guess what I did? Mary: What? Mom: I am trying to find a Christmas present for Jim and I googled "short men’s clothes." Mary: Wait. What? Mom, Jim isn’t short. Mom: Well, I wanted something that would fit him nice. Mary: He’s not short. Mom: Not that he doesn’t look nice in his clothes. He always looks nice. Mary: Mom, Jim is thin, he’s not short. Mom: Everything was really expensive! Mary: You were probably looking at specially made clothes for hobbit-sized people. (For the record, last Christmas my mom bought Jim a normal-man sweater) Mom: Well, Mary , women’s clothes come in petite sizes. Mary: Yes, Mom , but men’s clothing does not. It’s just one size for all men, unless you’re grossly huge and obese. Mom: Well, I know when I buy clothes they’re too long on me and I don’t like it. I also googled the recipe for Devil Dogs. Epilogue: Though instructed not to share this co

Dramatis Personae Estrogen Russian Bloke Man w/ Chihuahuas Homeless man who accepts nickels, dimes, and quarters Other People Act One Scene: Smada Nagrom Estrogen: What are you doing? Russian Bloke: Watching this guy pee in public while we wait on Other People. What are you doing? Estrogen: Watching this enormous rat go by. Who are we waiting for again? Russian Bloke: We are waiting on Other People, who in this play do not in any way, shape or form represent God, just other, wretched people. Estrogen: Why does it always smell like pee here? Russian Bloke: Leave me alone while I play with my bowler hat. Enter: man pushing several Chihuahuas in a baby stroller adorned with Obama/Biden sticker. Estrogen: Whoa, do you know someone replaced your baby with several, v. small ugly dogs? Russian Bloke: Just to be clear, did you vote for Obama/Biden, or your several, v. small ugly dogs currently being pushed around in an apparatus meant for human infants and not v. small ugly dogs? Man: Whatevs

In a recent graduate school class on diversity (or, why white people are sh*t), we had to create a pie chart of ourselves. Two things immediately popped into my mind. 1-why the flip am I paying GW thousands of dollars to do sh*t like this? and 2-piece of cake (or pie, as it were). My pie was done in seconds; my classmates, however, were seemingly blown away by the self-reflective thought required to do this activity (terrifying). They'll probably be administrators in 5 years or less, writing policy in 7 (truth).

Because if you don’t, I’m just going to keep diagnosing myself with outrageously stupid and improbable diseases, such as: Lupus-I don’t even know what this is. I found a lump on my neck and decided it was lupus. Lupus just sort of sounds like a disease that would cause a bumpy neck. Toxic shock syndrome- I was convinced I had days to live after accepting a tampon from a stranger at a Macaroni Grill somewhere in North Carolina. Crohn ’s disease-I think Wyoming just doesn ’t have great produce. Fear of my fly being down-How do they have a name for a fear of peanut butter but not this? I swear it’s real, and I suffer from it. Social Anxiety Disorder-daily. Tramel confirmed this with her Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition ( DSM -IV), so this is legit. Trisomy X (also known as having three vs. two X chromosomes)-freshman year of William and Mary. I’m phenotypically normal and would be happy to believe that I demonstrate a slight statistical knockdown in

The author would like to thank the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, as this post never would have happened without the poor judgment of its store. The author would also like to thank her likeminded friends, as this list is inspired by and borrows from the cleverness of their “WTF” reactions to the nonsense on your left. This list is illustrative and not exhaustive. Any resemblance to onesies actually found on a baby, human or otherwise, is purely coincidental. 1. Blame the alcohol 2. Neither mommy nor daddy *really* wanted me 3. Change in birth control 4. Ploy to get daddy to marry mommy 5. Attempt to find one person to love mommy unconditionally (Note: this is why I want a pet. Is that bad?) 6. $3,500 tax credit 7. This onesie cost more than a condom would have 8. Can you tell the difference between me and my unplanned sibling? 9. The result of an especially potent sext 10. You’re never too young to be your parents’ sounding board

Whereas his Brittanie Majesty, in conjunction with the Lords and Commons of Great-Britain, has, by a late Act of Parliament, excluded the inhabitants of these United Colonies from the protection of his crown: And whereas no answer whatever to the humble petitions of the Colonies for redress of grievances, and reconciliation with Great Britain has been or is likely to be given; but the whole force of that kingdom, aided by foreign mercenaries, is to be exerted for the destruction of the good people of these Colonies; And whereas it appears absolutely irreconcilable to reason and good conscience, for the people of these Colonies now to take the oaths and affirmations necessary for the support of any government under the Crown of Great-Britain; and it is necessary that the exercise of every kind of authority under the said Crown should be totally suppressed, and all the powers of government exerted under the authority of the people of the Colonies for the preservation of internal peace, v

This travesty brought to you courtesy of George Washington University's Master of Education program and Richard and Jo Ann Vacca (see left-no suprise here) in their masterpiece Content Area Reading: Literacy and Learning Across the Curriculum ( that is to say, I am not making this shit up): “Suppose a high school teacher overheard two friends, Lily and Sugar, talking in the school cafeteria during lunch: Sugar: How was your weekend? Lily: I had a money time! The bomb and me put on our finest bling bling and went partying Saturday night. Let me tell you, Suge, he’s no chickenhead. He’s a real fly. Sugar: No kidding. I bet you two looked really cizool. Lily: We had a crunk time until we ran into Jasmine and her do boy. Sugar: What happened? Lily: Well one thing led to another. Jasmine started hissing and her do boy stabbed the bomb. So we decided to jet and click up with some classier folks. Lily and Sugar are using language and slang expressions that have made their way from rap mus

I am currently reading a study of a program whose participants show a “reduced rate of hitting children with objects…” There are several burning questions in my mind, the least of which is: what exactly constitutes an object? Are we talking wooden spoon or car door? The object of choice notwithstanding, the sad fact is that lots of people smack their children. I’d just like to know when humanity got to the point where soooo many of us are smacking our kids around that the only logical remedy is to have our government shell out millions of dollars to figure out why people smack their kids around and how do we make them stop. (Here it comes. Brace yourself). (Are you braced?) Here are the just-published results of the Steinberg Study on Beating Kids. My sources are common sense and decency: Don’t beat your goddamned kid. You beat your kid, you are a bad parent. Full stop. It’s not the TV’s fault. It’s not your parents fault for whacking you. It’s your fault and you should know better. Wh

But I’m not sure I’d die to save the man who gave that right to me. He was probably a slave owner, wife-beater, or worse, had bad teeth. Nevertheless, as we celebrate Memorial Day, I’d like to pause and think about (list) all the reasons that make American great. 1. Corn on the cob. 2. Pie. Can’t get more American, bitchez. 3. Categorical representation. Note: They also have this in Europe. 4. Netflix. Note: To my knowledge, they do not have this in Europe. 5. Barbeques. 6. Fireworks. Everyone knows America invented these, just like we invented footlong sandwiches. What other fat-ass culture would come up with that? 7. Bumper stickers that make us all unique and clever. 8. Blogs that make us all unique and clever. Instant rim shot . 9. Patriotism. No other country has it. They all covet it. 10. The Onion . Far and away, the greatest stuff on Earth. F*ck snapple.

Every time I sift through my blog, I’m struck by the (unintentional) reoccurring theme of how much The Express and most journalism sucks (I recognize there is a v. strong argument to be made that The Express is not really journalism so much as a free daily dose of bad writing and phlebotomy school ads). So I’ve compiled Onion headlines and "for real" headlines. But which is which? "Study Finds Paint Aisle At Lowe's Best Place To Have Complete Meltdown" "Balz on Bill Clinton " "Venus Day 2009: 10 Things You Can Do To Help Rid The Atmosphere Of Noxious, Flesh-Burning Sulfuric Acid" "Obama Earth Day Flight Burned More Than 9000 Gallons of Fuel" "Concerts Held To Wish World's Poor Good Luck" "Avoid Mexico" "Travel’s Gay Factor" "Treasury Department Issues Emergency Recall Of All US Dollars" 1. The Onion 2. The Washington Post. If you don't get it, you miss out on double entendres. 3. T

Usually taken circa 3 PM on a work day.

The upside of a liberal arts education is that is broadens your horizons by introducing you to varied factual information. (The down side of a liberal arts education is that it prepares you for absolutely nothing useful, but we won’t consider that here). For instance, in my Biological Anthropology class, I learned that apes (specifically, chimps and bonobos) fashion rain hats or umbrellas out of leaves to shield themselves from the weather. This is exciting to people who like to spend their lives with apes (versus people) because it means that our closest ancestors are using tools, and THIS is exciting for reasons that have slipped my mind. It’s a good thing though, because it proves something very important about humans being created in God’s image and there not being any dinosaurs. What’s interesting to me (caveat: as a liberally educated woman, whatever I find interesting is definitely NOT useful) is that chimps (and bonobos) have managed to manipulate their environment in a very so

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Young people are dumb. We have been judged as such by the oh-so-in-love-with-themselves-boomers because we are reading Twilight over the erotic diaries of Anais Nin. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/05/AR2009030501541.html If you had choose between my thirteen year old niece’s favorite book or a woman who writes about getting it on with everything and kind-of looks like Hillary Clinton, who are you going with? I’ll take the Buffy knock-off. As Jane Austen once said: it is a truth universally acknowledged that no one wants to read about ugly people doing it. She may not have been a Beatnik, but Jane sure had good things to say. Saying young people are dumb is reverse-ageism. Anyone with half a brain would just come right out and say people are dumb and not limit it to an age bracket. Boomers are all the people in charge or working for the (inept) Federal government. They are corrupt and irritating and don’t understand why we Gen-Yers need 500 friends on Fac

Or, what I find myself doing these days.

Five things in my coat pocket 1. smart trip card (regular, not Obama face) 2. chapstick 3. cell phone 4. a lone glove (wha?) 5. Zone perfect bar (i.e., school night dinner) Four things I wish I had 1. Arms like Madonna mid 90s 2. A goddamned puppy 3. Clearly defined sense of purpose 4. Roll of McVitie’s chocolate digestives, plain (dark in American) Three things I am wondering 1. Will I be a good teacher? 2. Will I snap one day on the bus and punch someone in the face? 3. Will I get a piece of this $787 billion economic stimulus that my progeny will pay for? It could really help finance my one-eyed lasik. Two things I am seriously considering 1. Leaving my job to return to an old job 2. Getting lasik in one eye so if something goes wrong I’ll still have one good eye One thing I need 1. A reason for the season. Christmas is over, so Jesus is out.

Things are changing. I know this because we now have a president and first family in the White House that are just like you and me—young, cute and they get their clothes personally designed for them by JCrew. So here are some major changes I’d like to see in the first 100 days: First: Natural peanut butter will actually be spreadable after the first 2 uses. No longer do I want to pry the peanut-y goodness for the jar with a v. small pick ax. I want it to spread as smoothly as the other stuff all the way to the end of the jar. Next: Hooker red nail polish comes off with one cotton ball. 7 cotton balls and Q-tips are no longer required. Then: The comics in the newspapers will actually be funny, as will comedians. After that: JCrew final sale items will be returnable. Which brings me to: Winter will end after New Years. Full on spring will come by January 2, January 3 in a really bad year. Nextly: Office emailing will become illegal. All messages must be delivered in person, on the phone