Change I can believe in.

Things are changing. I know this because we now have a president and first family in the White House that are just like you and me—young, cute and they get their clothes personally designed for them by JCrew. So here are some major changes I’d like to see in the first 100 days:

First: Natural peanut butter will actually be spreadable after the first 2 uses. No longer do I want to pry the peanut-y goodness for the jar with a v. small pick ax. I want it to spread as smoothly as the other stuff all the way to the end of the jar.

Next: Hooker red nail polish comes off with one cotton ball. 7 cotton balls and Q-tips are no longer required.

Then: The comics in the newspapers will actually be funny, as will comedians.

After that: JCrew final sale items will be returnable.

Which brings me to: Winter will end after New Years. Full on spring will come by January 2, January 3 in a really bad year.

Nextly: Office emailing will become illegal. All messages must be delivered in person, on the phone or via carrier pigeons because people clearly abuse electronic office-messaging mediums.

Further to the above: Carrier pigeons will become un-extinct, as will dodos because I really want to see what one looks like.

And: Craigslist will have spell check OR, people will learn to spell. I’m sick of looking for apartments near Old Twon. Come on.

Almost done: Going to the movies will cost $6 like it did in the olden days and movies will actually be worth $6.

And lastly: Water fountains will offer alternative drinks that don’t suck like water. Suggestions: orange soda, some sort of juice, but absolutely no Sunny D.