Missing from my Life Pie: Deep Thoughts.



When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.
-Jack Handy




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36

Today is my own personal new year. Last weekend, my sister-in-law asked me if I feel old. I honestly don’t.   Since the age of five I have been an angry old man, so if anything I am one step closer to becoming my Most Authentic Self. But since I do now have the sagacity of 36 years on this earth, and since I am on the blog-twice-a-year plan, I offer the following 36 pieces of “wisdom” (sic). Some are certainly things I’ve learned, some I’ve just observed, and some are just statements I can say because it’s my birthday and my blog, damnit. Cheers and thanks for reading. *** 1. Real butter is worth it. If you have been denying yourself real butter because it’s fatty, bad for you, not as cool as ghee, etc. pull your head out of your ass and start eating it. A little goes a long way and there is no substitute. 2. All things in moderation. Especially moderation. 3. Anyone that denies themselves entire food groups by choice is a lunatic. We have one life...
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Economy Watch (Or, an Exercise in Parentheses)

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In light of recent news that our super great Government is now looking to give the super great US auto-industry $25 billion of the $700 billion bailout (imagine: 700 billion frosties ), I can’t help but wonder: WTF (What the f*ck)? I thought the money (my money, your money) was meant to stabilize the US financial system, not our crappy auto industry. I dig that a lot of people are employed making (bad) US vehicles and they’d “lose their jobs” (become unemployed), but come on. This is a clear case of “been there, done that” (in Latin: shouldus knowest betterest by nowest ) which resulted in little to no innovation on the bailoutees ’ part (read: shitty cars or big cars or ugly cars or the movie Transformers, basically a really long, really bad GM commercial that even Optimus Prime couldn ’t save). I owned a GM vehicle in college, and frankly, I’m thinking Nancy Pelosi should be lobbying the Bush administration to give me $25 billion as pay-back for my car breaking down all the god...
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The difference between elevator use and abuse is two letters and one floor

This is something the jack-asses on the sixth floor of my building would do well to keep in mind. Seriously, how effing hard is it to walk DOWN one flight of stairs? I’m pretty sure babies do it, and cats. And cats (and babies) have way smaller legs than all the asshole adult human non-walkers on the sixth floor. When I get in that elevator, I am in a hurry to get to the ground floor on my way to the-hell-out-of-here, so it is most def. NOT appreciated when some clown stops me mid-ride to go down 10 feet. Seriously. WALK. It’s a grand thing, and we’ve been doing it for thousands of years. That’s why our infrapubic angles are so small and childbirth so difficult (bi-pedalism has its trade offs, whereas an anthropology minor is just useless). I bet if you put an australopithecine on the sixth floor and told it to get to the fifth floor, it would take the goddamn stairs. And it had a brain about 1/3 the size of ours. It would also probably NOT read The Express and NOT take the orange lin...
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