Cold Feet, Repeat.
In the last two days, I have consumed enough food for five people, mostly in the form of vegan chocolate chip cookies. The only reason I made vegan chocolate chip cookies in the first place (and this is SO MARY) is that I was too effing lazy to go to the store and buy eggs to make actual cookies. Since I have known myself for the greater part of twenty-five years, I know that mindlessly eating garbage in vast quantities usually means I am troubled about something(s). The following is an exercise to uncover just what that could be:
1. the weather. Sucks. Full stop. I hate wind and I hate cold and I want spring.
2. my job. Also, sucks. I find it neither fulfilling nor interesting and the two people who made it bearable, both professionally and personally, are leaving. I feel abandoned like a baby in a Wal-Mart bathroom. Of course, this is ludicrous. No reasonable professional adult would feel that way. But luckily I am neither reasonable nor professional. Of the three people with eyes in my office, two are gone, leaving me to watch the groping/chaos/mayhem and silently go insane. Good plan.
3. my desire for a new job, thwarted. (I just like the word thwarted). I am discouraged that I will not find something that gives me classroom exposure and/or does not leave me destitute. As I live in an area where windowless garages go for $700/month plus utilities, this is exceedingly troubling. It’s like that time in high school my parents wanted me to get a job. I told them I couldn’t get a job because I needed a car for reliable transportation to that job (which is true, and fair. Where I grew up, you need a car. You can only take the bus if you are a 15-year old mother of four). ((Is that classist?)) I want to teach, but I can’t teach unless I have experience teaching. And this time, there are no parents to cave and buy a used car.
4. my living situation. Getting ahead of myself here, but I think I pretty much left “getting ahead of myself” in the dust with that 12th vegan cookie. I am committed to my place until the end of July, but if I get a new job, I am convinced I will be resigned to a windowless garage with three other destitute twenty-somethings. And I am exceedingly fond of windows and not so fond of other twenty-somethings. Or other people in general.
5. my job, again. Today I was called into a senior person’s office, “just between the two of us,” to essentially validate or invalidate office gossip, leading to several pressing questions/expletives, not the least of which is, WHO THE EFFING HELL IS THROWING MY NAME OUT THERE IN THE OFFICE DRAMA? and WHAT KIND OF SHIT SHOW AM I WORKING FOR? This just further convinces me that I am never to talk to any of my ridiculously inept/ineptly ridiculous colleagues for the remainder of my life.
6. school applications. Just a pain in the ass in general, and I’m only applying to one sodding school. I remember now why I only applied to three in undergrad. By this pattern, luckily, I’ll never apply to another school for as long as I live, unless of course 1/3 U shows up.
7. easter with my family. Generally consists of church and eating. Not fond of the former, engage in too much of the latter (vegan cookie, anyone?). I want to be little again and have the highlight of my life be dying eggs and comparing who got more cream eggs from The Bunny (which was never effing me, Mom and Dad!).
8. dishes. I sodding hate washing them almost as much as I hate seeing them disgustingly pile up in the sink and knowing I’m responsible for it.
9. (now i’m just trying to round out 10). my cubicle. I cannot think of a more unnatural, horrid environment for any Homo sapien. It’s disheartening to stare at a gray faux-wall under fluorescent lighting all day. I hope whoever invented this was drawn and quartered. As this is illegal in our country, I also hope he was a foreigner.
10. my middle name, revealed. Today my dad e-mailed me pointing out that he wrote first name Mary middle name Beth on my birth certificate and they only called me Mary Beth when I was little because they liked it and would never have to give me as many cream eggs as my brother. Now there is absolutely no mystery surrounding me and my name.
my feet are cold. Brings me back to #1.
1. the weather. Sucks. Full stop. I hate wind and I hate cold and I want spring.
2. my job. Also, sucks. I find it neither fulfilling nor interesting and the two people who made it bearable, both professionally and personally, are leaving. I feel abandoned like a baby in a Wal-Mart bathroom. Of course, this is ludicrous. No reasonable professional adult would feel that way. But luckily I am neither reasonable nor professional. Of the three people with eyes in my office, two are gone, leaving me to watch the groping/chaos/mayhem and silently go insane. Good plan.
3. my desire for a new job, thwarted. (I just like the word thwarted). I am discouraged that I will not find something that gives me classroom exposure and/or does not leave me destitute. As I live in an area where windowless garages go for $700/month plus utilities, this is exceedingly troubling. It’s like that time in high school my parents wanted me to get a job. I told them I couldn’t get a job because I needed a car for reliable transportation to that job (which is true, and fair. Where I grew up, you need a car. You can only take the bus if you are a 15-year old mother of four). ((Is that classist?)) I want to teach, but I can’t teach unless I have experience teaching. And this time, there are no parents to cave and buy a used car.
4. my living situation. Getting ahead of myself here, but I think I pretty much left “getting ahead of myself” in the dust with that 12th vegan cookie. I am committed to my place until the end of July, but if I get a new job, I am convinced I will be resigned to a windowless garage with three other destitute twenty-somethings. And I am exceedingly fond of windows and not so fond of other twenty-somethings. Or other people in general.
5. my job, again. Today I was called into a senior person’s office, “just between the two of us,” to essentially validate or invalidate office gossip, leading to several pressing questions/expletives, not the least of which is, WHO THE EFFING HELL IS THROWING MY NAME OUT THERE IN THE OFFICE DRAMA? and WHAT KIND OF SHIT SHOW AM I WORKING FOR? This just further convinces me that I am never to talk to any of my ridiculously inept/ineptly ridiculous colleagues for the remainder of my life.
6. school applications. Just a pain in the ass in general, and I’m only applying to one sodding school. I remember now why I only applied to three in undergrad. By this pattern, luckily, I’ll never apply to another school for as long as I live, unless of course 1/3 U shows up.
7. easter with my family. Generally consists of church and eating. Not fond of the former, engage in too much of the latter (vegan cookie, anyone?). I want to be little again and have the highlight of my life be dying eggs and comparing who got more cream eggs from The Bunny (which was never effing me, Mom and Dad!).
8. dishes. I sodding hate washing them almost as much as I hate seeing them disgustingly pile up in the sink and knowing I’m responsible for it.
9. (now i’m just trying to round out 10). my cubicle. I cannot think of a more unnatural, horrid environment for any Homo sapien. It’s disheartening to stare at a gray faux-wall under fluorescent lighting all day. I hope whoever invented this was drawn and quartered. As this is illegal in our country, I also hope he was a foreigner.
10. my middle name, revealed. Today my dad e-mailed me pointing out that he wrote first name Mary middle name Beth on my birth certificate and they only called me Mary Beth when I was little because they liked it and would never have to give me as many cream eggs as my brother. Now there is absolutely no mystery surrounding me and my name.
my feet are cold. Brings me back to #1.
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