Grossly inappropriate behavior witnessed in one day at an entirely fictional place of employment, being an illustrative and not exhaustive list.

Let it be clear that this place of employment is entirely a work of fiction, and any resemblance to real persons or places of employment, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Eating an entire roll of Rolos left on an absent person’s desk.

Firstly, for this to be even remotely OK, the Rolo owner must be present, in the flesh. The Rolo owner (Rolowner) working from home or prison or having access to Virtual Private Network does NOT count.

Secondly, you should be a full time employee of the same organization that employs the Rolowner. Independent contractors or bums (used interchangeably) should be steering clear of confectionaries anyway, as they do not have the dental benefits to deal with the consequences.

Perhaps most importantly, you should be friends with the Rolowner. Work friends let work friends take A PIECE of each other’s candy, as securing it and then eating it provides a v. brief respite from the bollocks that is the work day. But if one work friend has candy and happens to be absent, it is still rather grimey to take it in their absence. It is wholly grimey, in any circumstance, to eat the whole sodding roll.

To recap:

Instances when eating a colleagues’ Rolos is OK:
1. You are a friend and full-time employee of the same organization and have a desire for a chocolaty candy that saw its hey-day in the late 1980s and early 1990s. Both the friend and Rolowner are physically present in the entirely fictional office. The non-candied friend requests a piece of candy, and not 10 or more.

Instances when eating a colleagues’ Rolos is NOT OK:
1. You are not a colleague to begin with.
2. You just suck a lot.
3. You just take the Rolos off the Rolowners’ desk after several minutes of rummaging through it like an ill-mannered child/stray dog.

Suggesting Thai to a coworker with a shellfish allergy.

As I do not like the worker with the allergy, this is OK, but only this time.

Grossly inappropriate e-mails about shellfish allergies.

Don’t expect electronic pity when you are dumb enough to consume victuals with a proven track record of making you swell.

Feigning concern in response to grossly inappropriate e-mails about shellfish allergies.

It was bad enough this email was sent out once. Don't make everyone relive the pain via reply-all.

Prefacing questions with: "You're like, third down on the totem pole for knowing this, but I'm asking you because no one else is here."

Flattery gets you nowhere. But tact will take you wherever you want to go.