Outline
Every summer, when I have way too much time on my hands, I find myself vowing to do two things:
1) Train for a half marathon.
2) Lose weight.
The first fails even before I begin because I always realize that:
A) I hate running.
B) Summer in the greater Washington metropolitan area is akin to being trapped in the armpit of a sweaty giant. It's disgusting, pure and simple. It's like living in a swamp (because...it is swamp) and it's the worst possible time and place to be running when nothing is chasing you.
The later always fails because I realize that I am not willing to either exercise more or eat less. I walk a lot. I like to walk. I like to be outside. I do not like gyms. I can create the best excuses in the world to weasel out of a gym, such as:
i) "Did you know that the treadmill was invented during Victorian times to keep prisoners in solitary confinement from going insane?"
ii) "Did you know that if 10,000 people avoid the treadmill for 15 hours each month, in a year we'll save enough energy to power a post-work out whirlpool for almost 29 years? That's my entire lifetime!"
iii) "Did you know that most cases of MRSA begin in fitness facilities?"
iv) Last week I even tried claiming that the extremely nice fitness center within walking distance of my home would only take cash, and since I never have cash, I can't go.
So the point is, I'm not willing to run in-place like a Victorian convict or sweat it out at a summer boot camp with obese elementary school teachers. I'll stick to walking my usual routes.
Back to main point 2: Losing weight. Doomed like the run. Why? Well, I like food. I started writing down what I eat in a food journal. Successful weight loss programs that aren't insane have you do this, but the kicker is that you limit what you eat. For the last week I've just been writing down what I eat and when. As I reviewed my repasts for the past 8 days, several patterns emerge:
a) I love cheese. I could live off of cheese. If you severed a major limb from my body it would probably be full of cheese. I have even got my cat eating Roquefort.
b) I love fruit. In the last week I've consumed at least 2 lbs of blueberries and the majority of a 6 lb watermelon.
c) I cannot drink an entire beer on my own. Probably because I'm so full of cheese and watermelon.
d) I eat chocolate in the wee hours of the morning when I wake up from nightmares. In Harry Potter, this was the tactic used to revive a person after they had an encounter with a Dementor, a soul-sucking (literally) crony of the Dark Lord. If it works on almost losing your soul, it'll help you shake off the feeling that you aren't, nor would you ever, walk around in hot pants and a sports bra in public.
In school, I tell my students that they must always summarize their notes in a few sentences when they are done. (Teacher Fact: This forces you to go back and "engage" with your notes and increases what you retain of the information).
So here is my summary: My summer quests for self-improvement are never-ending and always doomed. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a hankering for some blue cheese.
1) Train for a half marathon.
2) Lose weight.
The first fails even before I begin because I always realize that:
A) I hate running.
B) Summer in the greater Washington metropolitan area is akin to being trapped in the armpit of a sweaty giant. It's disgusting, pure and simple. It's like living in a swamp (because...it is swamp) and it's the worst possible time and place to be running when nothing is chasing you.
The later always fails because I realize that I am not willing to either exercise more or eat less. I walk a lot. I like to walk. I like to be outside. I do not like gyms. I can create the best excuses in the world to weasel out of a gym, such as:
i) "Did you know that the treadmill was invented during Victorian times to keep prisoners in solitary confinement from going insane?"
ii) "Did you know that if 10,000 people avoid the treadmill for 15 hours each month, in a year we'll save enough energy to power a post-work out whirlpool for almost 29 years? That's my entire lifetime!"
iii) "Did you know that most cases of MRSA begin in fitness facilities?"
iv) Last week I even tried claiming that the extremely nice fitness center within walking distance of my home would only take cash, and since I never have cash, I can't go.
So the point is, I'm not willing to run in-place like a Victorian convict or sweat it out at a summer boot camp with obese elementary school teachers. I'll stick to walking my usual routes.
Back to main point 2: Losing weight. Doomed like the run. Why? Well, I like food. I started writing down what I eat in a food journal. Successful weight loss programs that aren't insane have you do this, but the kicker is that you limit what you eat. For the last week I've just been writing down what I eat and when. As I reviewed my repasts for the past 8 days, several patterns emerge:
a) I love cheese. I could live off of cheese. If you severed a major limb from my body it would probably be full of cheese. I have even got my cat eating Roquefort.
b) I love fruit. In the last week I've consumed at least 2 lbs of blueberries and the majority of a 6 lb watermelon.
c) I cannot drink an entire beer on my own. Probably because I'm so full of cheese and watermelon.
d) I eat chocolate in the wee hours of the morning when I wake up from nightmares. In Harry Potter, this was the tactic used to revive a person after they had an encounter with a Dementor, a soul-sucking (literally) crony of the Dark Lord. If it works on almost losing your soul, it'll help you shake off the feeling that you aren't, nor would you ever, walk around in hot pants and a sports bra in public.
In school, I tell my students that they must always summarize their notes in a few sentences when they are done. (Teacher Fact: This forces you to go back and "engage" with your notes and increases what you retain of the information).
So here is my summary: My summer quests for self-improvement are never-ending and always doomed. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a hankering for some blue cheese.
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