Load of Bollix

I am not a city girl. Specifically I am not a Washington DC girl, for it is the only city with which I can claim some acquaintance. It is the *cool* place to be. In this the capital of Nerd, you score points for riding your bike to work, having an iPhone, and knowing wines, ethnic food, and what is best for other people. It is busy, loud, and crowded. And it is not for me. It is impossible to be left alone here. To an introvert such as myself it is unthinkable to talk to a stranger for no reason about fuck all. And despite how commonplace this has now become for me, it never ceases to blow my mind a little each time it happens. The ballsy in me devised a strategy to cope with this unsolicited, unwarranted, unnecessary pestering. Whenever I’m accosted by crazy woman/man/guy (I think guy) with the biggest gauges in his ears I have ever seen, I’ll just hand them a flier. This flier will list references, and they will function as they do on a job interview. These will be people Freak Jane/...

This post first requires you view this delicious morsel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpVw06fpRyM Things that would have made this video better: 1-Woman enters train, sees an unattended bag, starts to ask a fellow rider, "Is that your..." and is cut off by a giant explosion. 2-Woman gets in fight with fellow rider over who has smaller carbon footprint. 3-Video captures the olfactory sensation of people, despair/ennui, sweat, and old carpet. 4-Fellow rider is seen picking their nose. And eating it. Twice.* *Must be the same nostril. 5-Woman drives her car into the metro while wildly screaming “YOU stand clear of the doors, asshole. MWAHAHAHAHA!” 6-Woman enters the train only to find every seat is taken by some a-hole in the aisle seat and their effing bag next to them. 7-Woman is carrying her lunch in a Victoria's Secret bag. 8-Video features a giant, fat, sweating Jabba the Hut-esque mass sitting next to the woman, complete with handkerchief to wipe away the sweat cause...

* a series of Haiku dedicated to my commute Roach on the Red Line Bet it works for a law firm At Farragut North Self-propelled staircase So no one has to move Stand on the right, jerks. Crazy man in rain Pokes me with umbrella Says that mine is lame No shit crazy man I am soaked to the skin Flip flops are squeaking. Vespas on sidewalk When in Rome should be taken At face value here.

(I used my moment to Google Tim Russert since I had no idea who the flip he was. This is called being Non Political / Uninformed). ((this post is dedicated to Prof. Himmelstein in the hopes that I have momentarily distracted her from work with this stellar post)).

A: just have to tell you that ______ farted in my cubicle and I'm about to gag B: that's heinous A: it's awful - I want to take a shower B: you should go fart in his office and close the door. That ups the ante A: I know - what do they call that, a dutch oven? B: I've never heard of the dutch oven being applied in an office setting, but desperate times call for desperate measures A: I couldn't even open my mouth at one point. I don't know how anyone else didn't smell it B: that is unspeakably heinous A: we should put this on the shout box on the [company] intranet or the coffee break forum B: make sure you use 10000 exclamation points: "______, thanks for farting in my cubicle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" This conversation is a work of fiction, and any resemblance to persons, places, heinous actions, lame office communication mediums, or g-chat conversations is not intentional and purely coincidental.

"Anyone who has ever been on a snipe hunt will know what hunting ballyhoo birds was like." My worthless piece of crap Word-A-Day calendar strikes again. Ballyhoo is the word of the day, and the calendar randomly launched into a poorly worded, nonsensical "explanation" of the unknown origins of the word. I'm pretty sure I'm dumber for having read this. May God have mercy on my soul.

Hillary Clinton Sweeps West Virginia , the headline read. Now, how many people actually live in West Virginia? Despite its wildness and wonderfulness, I doubt v. few live outside of Charleston (because it’s the capital) and Morgantown (because it's where the university is). So really, this means that Hillary Clinton sweeps those in Charleston or Morgantown, West Virginia, because everyone else is trapped in a mine and unable to get to the polls. Any even better headline would be “My coworkers saw Hillary Clinton the other day, but I saw a clown with a Cosi bag walking toward me (literally, a real clown with big floppy shoes and giant tie) as they were telling me the story of seeing Hillary Clinton, and real clown in real time trumps past politico sighting.”