Load of Bollix

(This list is illustrative but not exhaustive): Having arm rolls Lying naked on a towel on your mom and dad’s bed after a bath Lifting feet above head Tiny penis Sitting in your own feces and smiling about it* *Important Distinction: does not include sitting in others' feces. That's straight grimey at any age). Abnormally large head-circumference (big-ass head) Breast-feeding Drooling Androgynous = cute Funny articles found whilst researching: Do Fat Babies Make Fat Adults? (I'm currently penning the sister article, Do Fat Adults Make Fat Babies? It's v. chicken/egg). Baby Head Circumference

To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: you should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The lett...

This is something the jack-asses on the sixth floor of my building would do well to keep in mind. Seriously, how effing hard is it to walk DOWN one flight of stairs? I’m pretty sure babies do it, and cats. And cats (and babies) have way smaller legs than all the asshole adult human non-walkers on the sixth floor. When I get in that elevator, I am in a hurry to get to the ground floor on my way to the-hell-out-of-here, so it is most def. NOT appreciated when some clown stops me mid-ride to go down 10 feet. Seriously. WALK. It’s a grand thing, and we’ve been doing it for thousands of years. That’s why our infrapubic angles are so small and childbirth so difficult (bi-pedalism has its trade offs, whereas an anthropology minor is just useless). I bet if you put an australopithecine on the sixth floor and told it to get to the fifth floor, it would take the goddamn stairs. And it had a brain about 1/3 the size of ours. It would also probably NOT read The Express and NOT take the orange lin...

(I hardly knew 'er!) I never "read" The Crucible , but I saw the movie. It starred Daniel Day-Lewis, so it was as good as reading. I just liked how they called each other “Goody so-and-so.” Way better than Mr., Mrs., Miss, and the deliberately ambiguous Ms. (“I don’t get it! Is she or isn’t she married?!?!”). The Crucible is a great example of how I approached my short-lived English major. I figured it was OK if I didn’t read the book, so long as I watched the movie. HOWEVER, (this is important) the movie had to be a BBC film, produced in part with the BBC, or, feature one or more of the following Brits: Daniel Day[-Lewis], Emma Thompson, Anthony Hopkins, and/or the Queen. Then you know its legit. -Goody Steinberg not remotely or in the v. slightest even pretending to do work

Person 1: Check out this recent yet obscure tragic event . Person 2: Christ, it’s like William and Mary all over again. Person 1: That’s what E__ said. Person 2: We'll be roommates in Hell, too.

Dear Old Spice, Thank GOD you finally made a men’s body wash that doubles as a shampoo. God knows, they don’t have it easy when it comes to grooming. Changing a tie to make your outfit appear different from yesterday's is balls-hard. So is not wearing pantyhose or high heels, not tweezing, shaving, plucking, and/or waxing bits of you that never see the light of day. Not ever having to give birth or bleed monthly? Well, that’s just a huge cross to bear. And it is pretty much universally acknowledged that hunting is way more difficult than gathering. I wonder that this latest concoction cannot double (nay, triple) as a toothpaste? It is tough to make ends meet when you make more money than women for the very same work, so the more hygienic products we can role into one, the better. Also, I am v. glad to see that this new miracle product does not in the least smack of Lazy or Wholly Unnecessary. Sincerely, Two X Chromosomes ( http://www.oldspice.com/products.html )

title pretty much sums it up.