36

Today is my own personal new year. Last weekend, my sister-in-law asked me if I feel old. I honestly don’t.  Since the age of five I have been an angry old man, so if anything I am one step closer to becoming my Most Authentic Self.

But since I do now have the sagacity of 36 years on this earth, and since I am on the blog-twice-a-year plan, I offer the following 36 pieces of “wisdom” (sic).

Some are certainly things I’ve learned, some I’ve just observed, and some are just statements I can say because it’s my birthday and my blog, damnit. Cheers and thanks for reading.

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1. Real butter is worth it. If you have been denying yourself real butter because it’s fatty, bad for you, not as cool as ghee, etc. pull your head out of your ass and start eating it. A little goes a long way and there is no substitute.

2. All things in moderation. Especially moderation.

3. Anyone that denies themselves entire food groups by choice is a lunatic. We have one life on this earth (in the Abrahamic religions, at least), and you should eat what you want. See above.

4. Compare and despair. When I think of all the time I have spent wishing I was taller, thinner, outgoing, capable of doing a cool yoga pose that I could post on social media, etc. etc., I want to be sick. What a waste of time.

5. Anyone that is “working from home” is a liar.

6. Going outside for a walk makes everything better, always.

7. Twitter is useless. It’s farts of communication. Anyone who thinks otherwise probably counts carbs.

8. The world belongs to extroverts, and there is nothing that can be done about it. Console yourself by eating something buttery, alone in a quiet place.

9. The Lion King is the best Disney movie ever made. It will never be topped. Anyone who says otherwise is a fuckwit.

10. Pie and coffee is the best breakfast. If you start your day this way, how bad can it be?

11. When someone asks you how your weekend was, lie and say it was amazing. Then ask them how their weekend was, even though you couldn’t care less.

12. Nothing happens until something moves. This is actually an Einstein quote and therefore probably has something to do with physics, but I find it works for Life in General.

13. Appeasement has its place. Sometimes it’s just easier to give in so others will leave you alone. Mostly I’m talking about family holiday gatherings, and not, say, allowing a bad-news dictator to invade another country.

14. The ultimate trump card in life is a baby. If you have one, you can get away with whatever the hell you want. If you don’t have one, you are at the mercy of others with babies and there is, yes, you guessed it, nothing to be done about it.

15. There are two types of people in this life: people who have their shit together, and those who don’t. Most people don’t, and why would they ever pull it together, when they have us to consult for Christmas card addresses every single year?

16. Nothing gets done in a group until someone takes the lead. This person will probably do most of the work as well. There is nothing to be done about it unless you are in school in which case SNITCH LIKE HELL.

17. When someone tells you they are pregnant, just say, “Congratulations” and NOTHING ELSE.

18. Go out west. See or walk on a glacier while they are still a thing.

19. Everything would be better if Americans still wore hats.

20. When you don’t feel good, it doesn’t matter how old you are: it’s OK to want your mom.

21. Anyone that is in meetings all or most of the day does no real work and adds no real value.

22. Usually, the best thing you can do in any situation is to just get over yourself. 106 billion people have lived on this earth (94% of them no longer) and it’s highly unlikely Your Problems are something new.

23. Laughter really is the best medicine.

24. Every year, go someplace you’ve never been. (Stolen from my boy HH Dalai Lama...he is enlightened, after all).

25. You are never too old to demand the corner piece of cake. Frosting is one of life’s great joys.

26. Self-care should be thought of as routine, small things that keep you well in mind, body, AND spirit, not something to be done in an emergency. I speak from experience as a guru of burn-out.

27. It is perfectly fine to think cookie dough tastes better than the finished product.  It’s also fine to lick the bowl at any age.

28. Everything gets better with practice, including licking the bowl (Use a rubber spatula!).

29. It’s better to play it close to the chest. You can always add more; it’s harder to take it back. For instance, I already regret sharing my secret in #28.

30. You cannot change other people. Change what you can (you), and let that radiate out.

31. Don’t let anyone ever tell you you must take calculus. I have a job, a house, I put myself through a master’s program while working full time, and I have no student debt. I have made it this far with basic algebra and the calculator on my phone.

32. Kids still have a chance, so take the time to lecture them, every day if needed, on what is OK to throw in the recycling bin (HW they copied from a friend) vs. what goes in the trash can (Takis wrappers). If we don’t take the time with the young, we all run the risk of working in an office full of broken men who throw away aluminum cans in the 21st century.

33. Dysfunction is everywhere. Find a place where you can work with the dysfunction.

34. Anyone with a hairless pet is not to be trusted. This includes things that no sane person would keep as a pet, like lizards and snakes. Stay away.

35. Be kind to yourself, or die trying.

And most importantly,

36. Call your mother back.