Load of Bollix

The difference between the adult world and the world of a freshman is pretty scant. Adults are mostly stupid and lazy, whereas kids have the excuse of being a kid. Farting is still hilarious and pushing in a chair or bringing the right binder to class is a momentous achievement. When I was working in the land of adults*, I had the pleasure of logging hours of mass transit a day. I witnessed near daily public urination, fighting, toe nail clipping, and other forms of humanity in all its glory. But my NY friends could always one up me. "Oh, someone threw a newspaper at your head on the train? I saw a homeless guy wacking off." Fair enough. You win. But now that I am in the land of the kid, I win.** I can always one up YOU. Because I have the monstrous task of taking "products" of all levels (some insanely defective) and trying to make history fun for them, or, on a more fundamental level, at least get them to do something . It is not easy and sometimes I feel like I&

Goal setting: to not die this year. Is this specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time-specific enough for you? Explanation: "Do not confuse circumnavigate with circumcise. They are two v. different things. Magellean did not circumsize the globe. That would have taken a much larger crew." Student work in the form of help wanted ad for explorers: "Must have knowledge of navigation using astrolabe and sextant. Must be a team player, have a mustache, and an extra pair of pants. Booty will be split among the crew." Whatevs. At least they put in the astrolabe and sextant. Observation: It would seem adults don't read directions because children don't read directions. I am making it my mission to have these GD kids read GD directions. Also: I'm getting married in less than two weeks. Holy. Effing. God. I'm insane.

Well I'm alive. But barely. Here's a run-down of my most recent week: 3 12-hour days "But Ms. Steinberg I can't think when my bladder is full!" winging the Neolithic Revolution, despite 3 12 hour days received 1 ad for hair braiding from one of my student's aunts, then told I would look good with dreds an apple and a handful of fritos = a lunch not much better than my students 900000000000 copies. And then some. student-created playlist for "Major Players in the Reformation" includes 50's "P.I.M.P" (aka my former ringtone) for Henry VIII, Eminem's "I'm not afraid" for Martin Luther and John Calvin (SOOO appropriate), Kanye's "Power" for Pope Leo X and Charles V, and "Break Your Heart" by Taio Cruz for Elizabeth ("because she never married"). How awesome is this??? and I still have not heard of the "Southern Ocean." Apparently elementary school teachers have invented a new oce

Now that I'm done with school (and there was much rejoicing) I get to spend all of my time worrying about a very different sort of school - high school. In an effort to stay sane and stay Mary, I am reworking this blog to be an outlet for me as I deal with the trials and tribulations of a first year teacher, who, by all accounts, looks about the same age as her students. In one week, I have: bounced between two schools and five classrooms explained what bollocks means and why its a great phrase to 5 groups of scowling adolescents learned close to 130 names, including that E___ likes to be called Zimbabwe (though he cannot point to Zimbabwe on the map), H___ responds to Juice, and B___ to Ochocinco. walked across 4 classrooms on my knuckles like an ape to demonstrate the awesomeness of bipedalism in human evolution already gotten sick told one student that if he wrote a letter to the British government saying that is is "lame" that they don't allow you to touch the st

 

"The thought of me sitting in the center of a circle having to talk about my wedding and open a bunch of kitchen crap I don't need makes me nauseous. Also, everyone will be like, Oooo , what are you doing with yourself? What are you wedding colors? And I'll have to answer: 'I'm not working. I'm taking grad classes I dislike muchly , and I send out resumes knowing no one will talk to me for at least a month in the best case scenario and eat raisin bran from the box.' Or just punch them in the face. I'd like to avoid that scenario if at all possible." -on wedding showers, 5.26.10

Oh my god Ms. Steinberg I need to go to the bathroom to wash Trent’s blood off of me. You better not be texting unless you are texting someone the 5 steps in the law-making process. Best off-color example: Student: What does probable cause mean? Me: It’s like, if you accused Richard of killing Diego, you better have some reason to think he actually did it. Student: You mean, like proof? Me: Yea, that’s a much better way to say what I said in one word. Me: Who is the governor of Virginia? Student: Bill O’Reilly! Me: Close. Student: How old are you? Me: How old do you think I am? Student: 21. Me: I am 45 years old. Student: No way. Me: Way. Why do you want to be a teacher? Teachers don’t make any money. You should be an IT tech person. My binder smells like a hot dog. (Five minutes later, Bailey pulls a hot dog out of his binder and throws it away). Me: What does you bracelet say? Student: Boobies. Me: Nice. We rocked so hard that we went back all the

The following is a faux "op-ed" I had to write for a GW graduate education class. This concerns the incessant bitching and moaning I've heard from Fairfax County teachers in my last few weeks as a "teacher intern" (powerless faux teacher) in a not-your-typical Fairfax County Middle School concerning salary freezes for the second year in a row. It is the trend in this day and age to take about exorbitant sums of money like it means nothing at all. Our government shelled out $700 billion in the Troubled Asset Relief Program launched last fall. Fairfax County Public Schools face a $200 million deficit in their much-demonized FY 2011 budget. Perhaps the world around me has gone mad: I’m still pissed that I have to shell out $30 (a mere zero) as a cover charge to go to a bachelorette party this weekend (where we will, no doubt, discuss the conundrums facing Fairfax County schools and Wall Street at length).* Educating every single child in a county is expensive

In general, I'm uncomfortable when any cabinet secretary is the doppelganger of Janosh from Ghostbusters II . Let's just hope there isn't a giant painting of Viego the Carpathian hanging in Timothy Geithner's office or the shit is going to hit the DC fan in a major way, soon.