All I want for Christmas...or, an exercise in ellipses.

A bus shelter that doesn’t smell like urine.

Prolly a stretch. Speaking of stretches, I’d also like to see...

The second coming of Jesus.

To tell us once and for all just how exactly to stimulate the economy. If you're of the school that thinks stimulating the big C is the way to go, you might as well pick me up a...

Magnadoodle.

I just have really good memories of these. And I’d really like to make some memories with a new...

Bluetooth headset.

To move forward with my evil plan of mocking nearby people aloud and not being suspected of foul play. If this doesn’t work out, then I want…

The ability to silence people at will.

Think how glorious it could be! It could even give me a...

A sense of purpose.

I’m pretty sure Santa carries this around in his sack. Along with...

20/20 vision.

I’d love to know what my hand looks like when I stick it in front of my face sans glasses. And maybe, just maybe, if we could all see a little more clearly, maybe we’d get some...

Peace on Earth and Goodwill towards men*

*men in this instance refers only to those I like, which would mean Hulk Hogan, The Rock, and maybe one or two others can expect some goodwill coming their way. Fret not, Everyone Else, we could have the next best thing. No, I'm not talking Hillary as Sec'y of State, but...

Snow.

Because a real White Christmas is pretty much the best thing on earth.

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