Why I am Claritin Clear

I am twenty-one years old, do not have allergies, and am a virgin. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I am proud of this fact, but rather indifferent. I do however believe now that Claritin is available without a prescription that is it wholly inconsequential whether one has allergies or not. I am vehemently opposed to Lifetime television for women, SUVs (wholly unnecessary in a v. American sort of way), and tongue piercing (slutty). I hold grudges, have a very irrational, palpable fear of the OB-GYN, live for Peter, Paul and Mary, and cry while watching movies, television, the odd commercial--really, any form of visual media--like it is my job. I have been known to wish car accidents upon others when they piss me off, with a 10% success rate. My schadenfreude began at an early age, when I laughed at my Grammy when she broke this huge puzzle version of Renoir’s Sur la Terrasse (French for on la terrasse) she had been working on for months. I fear it has only increased with age (the delight in others pain, not the puzzle. You’ll be happy to know that Grammy fixed the puzzle quickly. It now safely hangs in my mother’s living room in its custom-made frame. My grandmother died years ago, and I to this day live with this memory of what a shite granddaughter I am.)

It is my dream to be well-read, British, travel the world, and get that damn orange pie slice in Trivial Pursuit, the REAL Trivial Pursuit. The one for smart people, not this Star Wars/Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit bullshit. (If you own Star Wars Trivial Pursuit or Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit, then you are two things I am not: 1-a man (a man-boy more like) and 2-a huge loser). This will never happen of course because I refuse to read the Sports pages in the newspaper. My first boyfriend in high school told me I should watch Sports Center on ESPN in order to become competent enough to answer sports questions, though for me “competence” is a bit like shooting for the moon.
I never did get around to watching Sports Center but it is just as well. Luke (the supplier of this advice) went on to break my fifteen-year old heart, attend a World Famous Conservatory to become a World Famous classical musician, graduated from said conservatory, then promptly joined the army in wartime (to do what, exactly, I'll never know. Marimba the insurgents to death?), giving whole new meaning to the phrase “Consider the Source.”

~mb, circa December 2004

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