Load of Bollix

The following is a near verbatim excerpt of a phone call that just took place: Mom: I love the google. Guess what I did? Mary: What? Mom: I am trying to find a Christmas present for Jim and I googled "short men’s clothes." Mary: Wait. What? Mom, Jim isn’t short. Mom: Well, I wanted something that would fit him nice. Mary: He’s not short. Mom: Not that he doesn’t look nice in his clothes. He always looks nice. Mary: Mom, Jim is thin, he’s not short. Mom: Everything was really expensive! Mary: You were probably looking at specially made clothes for hobbit-sized people. (For the record, last Christmas my mom bought Jim a normal-man sweater) Mom: Well, Mary , women’s clothes come in petite sizes. Mary: Yes, Mom , but men’s clothing does not. It’s just one size for all men, unless you’re grossly huge and obese. Mom: Well, I know when I buy clothes they’re too long on me and I don’t like it. I also googled the recipe for Devil Dogs. Epilogue: Though instructed not to share this co...

Dramatis Personae Estrogen Russian Bloke Man w/ Chihuahuas Homeless man who accepts nickels, dimes, and quarters Other People Act One Scene: Smada Nagrom Estrogen: What are you doing? Russian Bloke: Watching this guy pee in public while we wait on Other People. What are you doing? Estrogen: Watching this enormous rat go by. Who are we waiting for again? Russian Bloke: We are waiting on Other People, who in this play do not in any way, shape or form represent God, just other, wretched people. Estrogen: Why does it always smell like pee here? Russian Bloke: Leave me alone while I play with my bowler hat. Enter: man pushing several Chihuahuas in a baby stroller adorned with Obama/Biden sticker. Estrogen: Whoa, do you know someone replaced your baby with several, v. small ugly dogs? Russian Bloke: Just to be clear, did you vote for Obama/Biden, or your several, v. small ugly dogs currently being pushed around in an apparatus meant for human infants and not v. small ugly dogs? Man: Whatevs...

In a recent graduate school class on diversity (or, why white people are sh*t), we had to create a pie chart of ourselves. Two things immediately popped into my mind. 1-why the flip am I paying GW thousands of dollars to do sh*t like this? and 2-piece of cake (or pie, as it were). My pie was done in seconds; my classmates, however, were seemingly blown away by the self-reflective thought required to do this activity (terrifying). They'll probably be administrators in 5 years or less, writing policy in 7 (truth).

Because if you don’t, I’m just going to keep diagnosing myself with outrageously stupid and improbable diseases, such as: Lupus-I don’t even know what this is. I found a lump on my neck and decided it was lupus. Lupus just sort of sounds like a disease that would cause a bumpy neck. Toxic shock syndrome- I was convinced I had days to live after accepting a tampon from a stranger at a Macaroni Grill somewhere in North Carolina. Crohn ’s disease-I think Wyoming just doesn ’t have great produce. Fear of my fly being down-How do they have a name for a fear of peanut butter but not this? I swear it’s real, and I suffer from it. Social Anxiety Disorder-daily. Tramel confirmed this with her Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition ( DSM -IV), so this is legit. Trisomy X (also known as having three vs. two X chromosomes)-freshman year of William and Mary. I’m phenotypically normal and would be happy to believe that I demonstrate a slight statistical knockdown in...

The author would like to thank the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, as this post never would have happened without the poor judgment of its store. The author would also like to thank her likeminded friends, as this list is inspired by and borrows from the cleverness of their “WTF” reactions to the nonsense on your left. This list is illustrative and not exhaustive. Any resemblance to onesies actually found on a baby, human or otherwise, is purely coincidental. 1. Blame the alcohol 2. Neither mommy nor daddy *really* wanted me 3. Change in birth control 4. Ploy to get daddy to marry mommy 5. Attempt to find one person to love mommy unconditionally (Note: this is why I want a pet. Is that bad?) 6. $3,500 tax credit 7. This onesie cost more than a condom would have 8. Can you tell the difference between me and my unplanned sibling? 9. The result of an especially potent sext 10. You’re never too young to be your parents’ sounding board