Load of Bollix

Let it be clear that this place of employment is entirely a work of fiction, and any resemblance to real persons or places of employment, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Eating an entire roll of Rolos left on an absent person’s desk. Firstly, for this to be even remotely OK, the Rolo owner must be present, in the flesh. The Rolo owner (Rolowner) working from home or prison or having access to Virtual Private Network does NOT count. Secondly, you should be a full time employee of the same organization that employs the Rolowner. Independent contractors or bums (used interchangeably) should be steering clear of confectionaries anyway, as they do not have the dental benefits to deal with the consequences. Perhaps most importantly, you should be friends with the Rolowner. Work friends let work friends take A PIECE of each other’s candy, as securing it and then eating it provides a v. brief respite from the bollocks that is the work day. But if one work friend has candy and happens t...

In the last two days, I have consumed enough food for five people, mostly in the form of vegan chocolate chip cookies. The only reason I made vegan chocolate chip cookies in the first place (and this is SO MARY) is that I was too effing lazy to go to the store and buy eggs to make actual cookies. Since I have known myself for the greater part of twenty-five years, I know that mindlessly eating garbage in vast quantities usually means I am troubled about something(s). The following is an exercise to uncover just what that could be: 1. the weather. Sucks. Full stop. I hate wind and I hate cold and I want spring. 2. my job. Also, sucks. I find it neither fulfilling nor interesting and the two people who made it bearable, both professionally and personally, are leaving. I feel abandoned like a baby in a Wal-Mart bathroom. Of course, this is ludicrous. No reasonable professional adult would feel that way. But luckily I am neither reasonable nor professional. Of the three people with eyes in...

I’m angry I paid half-price for this thing. I should have waited until the third week in January for it to be 75% off. Maybe if I too were a useless piece of crap, this calendar would provide me with an edge over other useless pieces of crap. Then, and only then, I could use words like “leporine” (Has anyone ever, in the history of the world, used this word? Is it even real?) or “Bahrain” (That’s a sodding place!) and they would just look at me in awe: “Wow. I don’t think you’re useless any more, not with that vocabulary. Now you’re just an ineffective piece of crap, and shouldn’t be hanging around with the likes of us.”

Good things come in threes: Acceptance into graduate school Marriage New job Mine would be: Free pie in the kitchen Pantyhose that are already stretched out and therefore not digging into my stomach Remembering my Ipod to drown out office conversation Guess you have to start small.

How was Bon Jovi? -AWESOME. He played for over two hours and was running all over the place on the stage…He’s 46! He’s twice my age and has more energy than me. Mary, aren't you 25? -Oh…

There. I said it.