Anything Bad is Normal, and Just Wait…Your Kid will be an Asshole by Age Three: The Mary Patterson Guide to Parenting
Dedicated to my Didgie. I love you to the moon and when the time comes, please put me in a good home. Chapter 1: Pregnancy Here is the breakdown: First few days: Happy excitement. After that through month four/five: Vomit zombie. One day in month five: “I feel like a person again. I can do this!” After that through month nine: WHALE. Chapter 2: Birth Horrifying. Chapter 3: Aftermath Also horrifying. My favorite was the nurse emptying my catheter while my entire family was crammed into my room. This is also when the Breastfeeding Army begins their onslaught. Hopefully you have a good partner who will tell them to **** off. Chapter 4: Coming home Post-partum sounds like post-mortem and it is not a coincidence. It’s a good thing I took a parenting class because it was helpful as bollocks. Also, I get my period back super-fast and thought I was bleeding to death. It’s funny now, but at the time I was straight-up hyperventilating and realized maybe I need some Zo...