Things I've eaten today
subtitled: Scurvy ravioli beer a bag of Pepperidge Farm goldfish (yea. you heard me. a whole goddamned bag) 2 granola bars a banana muffin coffee a women's one-a-day multivitamin (this cancels out all of the above)
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Mother Knows Best
The following is an actual email from my mother regarding the Mass times of the nearest Catholic Church in Old Town Alexandria (so she can attend Mass in Old Town in addition to Dale City). It is quintessential Mom. I love it. Hi Mary, 10 am looks good but we aLWAYS HAVE TO STAND UP IN THAT CHURCH. dO YOU KNOW THE NAME OF THE OTHER CHURCH? i HIT THE CAP LOCK BY MISTAKE i LOVE YOU BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND TO JIM LOVE MOM
Not that I would of course
But in theory, I would like to become a fan of the following on Facebook: · Chickpeas · The US Constitution · Silence · In the following order with 1 being the least valued and 4 being the most valued: 1. Peanut butter 2. Reese's Peanut butter cups 3. Reese's Peanut butter eggs 4. Reese's Peanut butter Christmas trees · NFL referees' penalty hand signals · Lunch breaks · Unseasonable weather · Christmas music · Claiming everything as a right under the US Constitution.
Dude, where’s my political efficacy?
When the best our fine commonwealth can produce is a misogynist who went to Liberty and a man who sounds like Glen Quagmire, all we can do is write in. So who am I writing in? Jon Gosselin: Someone throw this guy a bone. The man has more children than some states have electoral votes and must now rely on his termagant ex-wife to exploit them on TV all by herself. But do I really want my governor to wear so much Ed Hardy? Suleiman the Magnificent: This dude has initiative. The only con I think of is that his conquests were checked at the Siege of Vienna in 1529. Oh, and he’s dead. Oprah: Because being the governor of VA is all that’s stopping her from world domination. Jennifer Aniston: She’s always in the news for being divorced from Brad Pitt and being a painfully mediocre actress. At least this way her being in the news would be justified. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: He’d totally kick the shit out of our recession. Your Mom: Because it’s still a funny response, even though I’m now clo